I've been thinking a lot this week about the whole meaning of life thing (I know, dangerous!) but God really kind of brought it front and center for me this week and I'm trying to go with it because-well-let's face it, I'm not the best when it comes to listening! He said something like "Hey! Hey you! Can you hear me now? (ok, maybe he didn't say THAT-but....) Did you forget that I created you for relationship? Ummmm, see, I've been sitting up here waiting for you to stop talking and going and doing and start listening.......and that's what your kids and your husband and your friends are waiting for too. Yeah, life is all about relationship, Mine with you, and as a picture of that perfect relationship, yours with your husband, your children, your friends, and My lost sheep. And when you get that, I get to do some work through you.
Um, ok God, yeah I know that, but it's kind of hard to REALLY get it, you know? Number one, I'm shy. Yep, I've got a major case of fight or flight going on-I don't know if I'm the person You think I am, and I know intellectually that You know me better than I know me, but boy my emotions don't say that. Second, I'm lazy! I'll admit it-I don't like to work hard! Not whining-now THAT'S the hard part. Daily slogging through old english? Yep, it's hard for me. Remembering to stop my plans and talk to You and then listen to what You have to say? Hep, hard. I'm ashamed to admit that, but there You go. Third, sometimes (ok, a LOT of times) things just don't make sense. I can't see the end result, so I just don't get it. Fourth, I am a rut sort of person. I like safe, comfortable, and known. I like to have my safe little adventures between the pages of books, and not in my own life, where the bad stuff that always leads up to the good stuff can actually hurt me. Yeah, lame, but there You go. Do I get kudo points for being honest?
OK, so that's what You have to work with. And the funny thing is, I have a feeling that most other people are like me. I'm fairly sure all those old testament guys were......I mean, there are some pretty glaring mistakes and I can read them and think-wow, where were your heads? But then I think, uh huh, yeah, I GET that-and I can't be all high and mighty because someone reading my life hundreds of years from now would say the exact same thing I just said. Wow, she really messed up that time! But then You always forgive and guide and lead and give-I mean, the really beautiful part is watching that relationship unfold in those stories-You never give up on them, and they never gave up on coming back to You. Relationship. So I look at my husband, and I look at my children, and I think that yeah, I'll mess up, and they'll mess up, but I'll never give up on my relationship with them, and I hope that my kids will get to see this same picture, and this same beautiful love that shines through all the old english and funny wording, and that they'll try and show that themselves. I want to make God real to them, but most of all, I want to make God real to me. I want relationship.
So God, if you can work with a recalcitrant, hard headed, forgetful, lazy, and fearful person, then I'm all Yours. But I have to warn you, I'm a lot of work. Eh, You probably already knew that. That's why You are currently yelling at me about relationship! I can hear You saying "don't forget, my child, to always come back. The only thing I can't work with is you completely giving up on coming back to Me-everything else I've got covered." Thanks, God. From the bottom of this broken heart.
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